i'm trying to journal more, it's just that i dont always do for whatever reason.... lol. now that it's past daylight savings im in full time dark-weather mode and considering yet again to get a therapy lamp. U_U
life update.. my lower back still hurts, to the point where im considering seeing a doctor.. and making a massage appointment :-? my therapist has also convinced me to look into anti-depressants so i could kill two birds with one doctor visit. still trying to get used to the idea that my mental health has gotten to the point where i need medicine, but also a little part of me is like, yeah, it is that bad! to be continued..
other than that, ive been watching soul eater all weekend and snuggling with my cat T_T<3 and putting a few hours into some comissions. ive been feeling a bit of mental block where i want to draw way more than i do haha. i also REALLY want to finish up some of my game projects like my virtual gallery, but ive been sooo worn thin from work... some days i would just go home from work and go straight to bed, and just lay there and try to watch something. work has been soo stressful for no raisen, my mental health is suffering, im really *this* close to quittin for real....
listening: title fight
omg, october totally flew by! i'm working on a new project and im VERY excited about ittttt (✧ω✧) yes, that's right, the cinni's dream home oekaki board is coming soon!!!!
thanks to sadness i found out about leprd.space, free web hosting w/ php! so for the past few days i've been fiddling with open source oekaki bbs code with most of the documents in japanese @_@ i've got it figured out tho! i need a few more days finishing the styling and then it'll be live to the public :-D
p.s. thought i'd update this model's hair & face, cuz i wasn't too happy with it. i like it much better now :-) i might do this now for the rest of them lol..
also, my lower back is killing me. gonna go make some ice coffee! bye for now.
time: time for bed
listening: the bf playing la noir
hey yall, it's totally late (like 2am) and i SHOULD DEFINITELY BE ASLEEP, but i just wanted to pop in real quick. work has been hella stressful, like honestly it makes me exhausted to even vent (besides to my coworkers who are witness to this bullshit). i'm being blamed for things that are totally out of my control (and some things - at the fault of my director, who uh, then places the blame on ME when he messes up - fuck that) like yesterday i had like 5 people all yell my name all at the same time and i'm only one single human being capable of doing only so much.........i hate my job and the ppl i work for - totally dispicable people!!!!!! my higher ups are so rude and nasty and don't give a shit about anyone but themselves b/c the affluent and wealthy think the world revolves around them. like, i was on the phone with the person who comes in every week to clean our office - she called while we were closed because she wanted to come in on a different day since her son had a medical emergency. i was on the phone with her talking about her son's awful condition (he's an amputee who requires regular doctor visits) and my boss called, and no one else was at the office to pick up the phone so i duh let it ring till i was off the phone to call her back - she was absolutely FURIOUS that i didnt pick up the phone while on the other line.........even while trying to explain myself (i'm by myself, i;m on the other line busy with something that's important) but nooooooo. oh, by the way she just called to see if my director was there, which he wasn't cuz he's never in so early anyways and i already said i'd let him know to call her back as soon as he gets in. A N Y W A Y S honestly fuck them all, i dont care anymore about their stupid petty little problems and entitlement. it honestly drains me so incredibly much. /RANT OVER!!
i meant to say more positive things, but i guess work has me seriously bothered this week, lol. next week our show opens so im hoping things will cool down after it's all said and done. is it time for my vacation yet.......?
mood: low seratonin
listening: urusei yatsura
wow! almost a month since my last entry. this week i had off from work and i didnt do that much LOL besides working on my own art stuff, and i went out on saturday and had fun :-) i went to an all latin punk show with my friend and we moshed into the night. my neck is sore now but im glad i got to see my friend and go out and see a live punk show ;w; then afterwards i met up with my boyfriend near his job cuz he works late nights. we had a beer or two with our friend who lived near by. that was nice too since i always have fun hanging with my bf :-)
i got a new tablet recently so ive been wanting to draw a lot more! even tho i also want to work on my game projects but :-X you may have noticed i randomly updated one of my comic pages.. :-p been thinking a lot about stories and planning them out. here's some thumbnails i did last night!
not gonna lie, my mental health has been a bit doodoo lately. i feel bad about avoiding everything and being so down on myself i'm sure everyone can relate. its been hard to enjoy my time off relaxing cause i keep thinking i should do something and not ~waste~ my time. halp!! my brain needs a cleansing from capitalist hell. i'm trying to do things that are good for me tho
let's be nice to ourselves!!
p.s. i made something for the yesterweb zine!! :-D check it out, everyone's submission is so cool
watching: one piece
wah it's sunday already! i dont wan't to go back to work tomorrow this weekend i cleaned my room and watched anime. :-p i'm also working on a new doll base... nya~
i had a few more pose ideas, but it's gonna take me some time to shade everything.. T_T but look forward to them in the future!
i also started an ace fanlisting..! i still am working on new content for it but yeh :-p it's all one html file thanks to the anchor and section tag. alsoooo, i wasn't planning on getting another figure but someone on myfigurecollection.net had a listing for an ace figure on my wishlist and it was still sealed in the box for a good price.. sooo i added this lil guy to my collection :-X so cute...
mood: lost in my mind
on: my phone
i had such an amazing weekend. on thursday i went to a friends art opening and reconnected. met lots of cool people and spent the whole night out. got invited to a live music show on saturday. it was electronica/experimental noize and i wore a cute outfit. met more cool people who i connected with n wanted 2 collaborate on art. sunday i went to said friends house and ate food and read each other fortunes for like hours. it was so much fun ★彡(*^ω^*)
i updated this old ace model i made for my game :-p nyaa.
instead of a rigged 3d style face i tried a "face-plate" drawn style for changing the facial expressions... its more work to draw each one, but i think they look better and more expressive? :-P the expressions were inspired by the bandai chibi-arts ace figure ;w;
got cat ace on my mind..
eating: kimchi rice
i started streaming! yes, now i am on twitch.tv! i have a simple v-tuber set up at the moment and i juuust got my mic in the mail. its pink and cute. i also ordered some more anime figures :-3 LOL it's this new sesshomaru figure (✧ω✧) !!!!! !!
and stromg world ace figure (´｡• ω •｡`) ♡ !!!!!!
i feel creatively inspired but also like.. too tired/out of it to not actually make stuff.. :-? i just started therapy but i have to get a new counseler already cause my current one is leaving ? u_u''' but im working on my mental health now... :-X
be nice to yourself
gonna keep this short because im ~trying~ to go to bed early, haha. my infection from almost two months ago came back..and maybe worse now :-( i went to the clinic two days ago and went back on the antibiotics for what is now cellulitis (google at ur own risk). they werent really working so i went back again today and got more meds and ointments. anyways its kind of bad so tomorrow i have a follow up appointment to see a specialist. im trying not to worry about it too much but i cant help it
anyways after work i stayed in bed all evening witha bunch of pillows propping up my leg for that precious ~blood flow~ and downloaded petz 4 again n_n i wish i still kept my old petz files :-( cuz now i dont remember where i got my favorite hexed breeds.
now that i got petz working again i'll be more inclined to mod a bunch of stuff, haha. here's a work in progress :-p
i have a really bad habit of not responding to my messages T_T i just wrote back to an email i got maybe over 6 weeks ago about an ~art opportunity~ and i didn't have a real reason for the delay. i'm trying to get better at that u_u...... in other news i signed up for e-therapy and i'll let yall know how it goes :-p i signed up last week but finally got around to messaging my therapist only today.
in lighter news i finished chulip over the weekend and AHH T_T i love this game so much and im sad it's done. i didnt actually kiss everyone tho so i want to go back and get 100% hehe. but really i have a lot of thoughts about it and i may write a full review for it later. despite the game play being absolutely difficult and impossible without a guide, the characters and story and art charmed me so much i didn't care. i liked giving leo a kiss every morning and having a cup of tea with him, even if i've heard his sad story a few times now. the music that plays is one of my favs in the soundtrack. i love the absurdist humour and the adult themes running throughout really resonated with me - what is happiness? the struggle to make a living doing what you love, even if you face hardships, and the burn out of working away at a job that you hate. this game even lightly touches upon domestic violence & alchoholism.
the dialogue of some of the characters felt like they were the game developers speaking directly to you. one of the main antogonists of the game, a utility pole, utters his first words in the game: "treat your workers better". could this be a direct comment at the developer's higher ups ? a critique of work culture? the crushing weight of capitalism? i think so. in fact, one third of the game takes place in "funny bone city" - a whole city that is a factory in progress, with 10,000 employees, all who do menial labor and hate their jobs. at one point of the game you are rewarded the ~boss card~, and are able to fire EVERYONE in the factory. the proletarian's dream? liberation? bayatan, one of the main characters in long life town, is a poor musician who loves music but is unable to make a living from it. at one point you get him a job at funny bone factory, but he utterly hates it and is devoid of any happiness. when you catch a train ride with him home, he reveals he is only happy when he sleeps, and music doesn't bring him joy anymore. he is so defeated he doesn't even have the courage to quit, and wishes he were fired instead. yikes! so in order to kiss him, you have to fire him. even tho he's poor, he is much happier for it. music was his love. something about bayatan tugs at my heart - too relatable?
there's much more i want to touch upon, so maybe one weekend i'll write all my thoughts down. i could tell how much love went into this game, and i am now a forever fan. this game changed my life please, don't stop doing what you love.
mood: a little bored but happy
eating: furikake popcorn
hope everyone's doing well. i'm actually doing okay right now! i spent this weekend binge watching one piece lol...i just finished the thriller bark arc and am a couple episodes into the next arc (sabody something?? around ep 400). i also wanted to work more on my art this weekend but ehh i hardly had the motivation LOL. i have some people interested in contributing to my virtual gallery project so im super happy ;__; i was worried it would be a total dud... i wish i wasn't so hard on myself!
yesterday i did a little bit of yoga after SO long of not working out and im glad i did! i hope i have the motivation to keep it up >_<'' i miss training.... i've been thinking about taking up martial arts again because it might help with my weird anxious monkey brain at the moment. a few days ago i hit a low point mentally and felt awful... my panic attacks are increasing in frequency and severity.. so i'm trying to take a break from drinking and b healthy >_< >_< >_< i am my own worst enemy.
take it easy~
eating: asahi and gin
long time no diary entry! u_u'' i've been overall OKAY but as usual struggling w/ mental woes. despite that.... i love all my friends and want the best for them!!!????!!! T_T
it was my birthday last weekend! i took some days off work to freak off and not do that much lmaooo. i did get to see the demon slayer movie which was really...amazing (☆ω☆)
one thing i like to do sometimes is get blind boxes hehe... so featured in this pic are a few new minis i got! mainly the rilakuma set, the sumikko gurashi set & the random toaster oven, lol. oh i might've mentioned it before but i got another mini (cat) ace figure (☆ω☆) he fits perfectly with this set hehehehehe
besides that... im going to ~officially~ announce the 1st open call for my virtual gallery project! plz see more details heeereee!!!!. this idea of mine started back in 2016-ish?! before i even started making websites, 3d modeling or programmig... so it feels weird to finally announce an open call.... i almost don't want to go through with it LOL. but i started to reach out to other artists i admire directly ;_; so i hope it all goes well... if ur an artist pls feel free to submit....!!
tomorrow im getting my second vax.. i feel ok about it cept my parents are very loudly anti-vax, and since i live w/ them atm i don't know how im going to hide that fact, if i like get sick afterwards...T_T'' tbh my relationship w/ my folks is very strange.... all my life i never felt ok to share anything personal w/ them & this is just one of those things i'm trying to hide to them u_u'''''' god bless my partner for trying to have a converation w/ them about their weird ass conspiracy ideas but i don't have that mental energy anymore. i just sat in the kitchen minding my own business whilst my mom was spouting weird ass lies about vaccine deaths and little does she know im right there half vaccinated already X_X anyways..it makes me too depressed to think about it..
time: too late/early
eating: worm woter
i worked on this today! still a wip
eating: kirin ichiban and takoyaki cheeps
okay so i lied on my last diary entry, i'm actually level 8 in chulip and a bonafide player. HA. havent played in a few days since im at the point where i kissed a lot of people and need to progress the main story. which requires me reading a lot of the guide so... im holding that off for the weekend. which for me starts TODAY. my boyfriend is away spending a few days with family so it's shitposting hours for me >:-)))))
ok so mental health check? i've been so-so. some good moments some bad moments that it kind of evens out. i got my first moderna shot the other day. in the back of my mind i was irrationally nervous about it so the whole time i tried to not think about the vaccine. the worst was when i got it and then waited for my 15 minutes for an allergic reaction. i think i was freaking myself out because within those 15 minutes i started feeling lightheaded and like my throat was closing up. didnt help that i was frantically googling MODERNA ALLERGIC REACITON????. anyways 15 minutes passed and nothing happened, but i walked around for another 15 minutes waiting for my bus incase something happpened. then i got off the bus early to walk the way home because i was having a bad anxiety attack. in the end i didn't have really any side effects from the vaccine, just my own darn anxiety. and like yeah my arm was sore for the next day but to be honest i feel just fine.
another thing is ive been meaning to find a therapist and just....havent been that proactive. i quit my second job and told myself i would use that time to get help, but after i quit my second job i started to feel better and less stressed out and put it off, but i know i should eventually...... the 27th of april marks the birthday of one of my best friends, who died too early. she was my best friend for like, 10 years, so i'm still not really over it. it has been....almost 3 years since she died, but i think about her almost every day. our friendship really started because one day in freshman year of highschool i was kicked out of my house, and didnt have anywhere else to go and stayed the night at her place. ever since we've just had a strong bond over our fucked up alchoholic parents and, without her, dunno how i would've survived highschool. i was a big delinquent in highschool (i ran away from home a lot, did lots of drugs..) and struggled a lot with mental health and an abusive household, so she held me down and i was there for her when she was going through some pretty fucked up shit (that i saw first hand.) so when she died it left a pretty big gaping hole in my life. like a big whole chunk of me left with her. a whole other thing is im still in touch with her mom (who was the abuser) and i feel a whole bunch of conflicting feelings there....
anyways, i didn't mean to get sad on main. this time of the year is just kinda hard for me. the good news is i did finally just take some stupid days off for my birthday in two weeks, so that's gonna be nice.
update: oh yeah, a new thing i've been doing is rewarding myself when i made doctor appointments by buying silly little ace figures. HAHAHA so next on my list is the cutest lil cat ace ;_; <3
i got this in the mail the other day! i got him to replace my beloved sesshomaru keychain i lost. :-( he is so funny looking hahaha.
i just really like ace's strong world version.... (♡-_-♡)
since the ps3 store is closing i looked thru all the games and discovered chu♡lip ♡_♡ it looked so cute and charming i got it on the spot. i've been playing it for maybe a week straight. love this game soo much >_<. the goal of the game is to kiss everyone in town. i'm at level 7 (lady killer). i have kissed 26 times in my whole life.
time: past midnight (12:24am)
eating: homemade matcha ice cream
watching: demon slayer but if the roles were reversed
welp, im a total sucker for demon slayer now. i just finished the anime recently.....and started reading the manga not to mention i snagged a pre-order of the nezuko figma (DX edition b/c the regular one sold out, lol. also, the matching tanjiro is sold out too T_T).
im on a midi kick right now, been downloading old midis and also trying to convert songs into midis by going to youtube to mp3 converter >> mp3 to midi converter >> midi to 8 bit via GXSCC with varying success. i think songs that are played on the piano have the best chance of sounding OK through the midi converter, so i've been looking for piano covers.. at some point i'll try to comb through them and post the best sounding ones tehehe.
p.s. the healthcare system in the USA sucks, but i don't have to tell you that. i made an appointment for a check up, and the earliest availability was MAY 26!!! so i took it, but idk.. lmao im feeling so disheartened. i tried to make an appointment to see a dermatologist b/c my ezcema is flaring up pretty badly and i need a refill (changed insurance recently) and was told i need a referral, but to wait 2 whole months for a referral?! i need a check up anyways, cuz i'ts been years, but i think im going to try the hey doctor! app to get a refill in the meantime.. sob sob
mood: tickled pink n_n
eating: potatoe pancake
slowly updating the webpage ~ made the webring match the site /aesthetic/ and am slowly adding more n more pages. i have lots of favicons to upload and organize and write the dumb code for lol.. also, you may have noticed my website is missing neocities from my URL >_>'' the custom domain was an impulse buy LOL along with a custom domain email, which i have set up as email@example.com >w< wheeee. so cute and smol. other domain candidates were cinni-land.net, or cinni-dream.net, or maybe even cinni-dreamland.net, which are all also cute but the appeal of cinni.net was that it was short and tiny. i love being associated w/ the neocities "brand" but idunooo~ i miss when websites had cute ass domain names ?! like tiny-stars or lucky-kitty or something really sweet and cute. /blab.
anyways i just wanna say i love my boyfriend i love my friends and i love all the really cool nice people ive met on this site ;_; waaahhhhh
watching: it crowd
nyaaahhh~~ added some new pages to the site, also lil' layout update! still in the works though, i want to re-draw elements for it but my website to-do list is sooo long rn.
i started watching demon slayer o_o im about three episodes in. also i finally caught up with my bf on one piece so we watched it together for a bit but then he surpased me again xD GOD its okay tho. i sort of know what happens... >_> <_<
also theres a website that will let you d/l xbox clips easily, you just have to know your handle. which made my life waay easier, because a lot of clips i wanted to archive weren't on my profile so trying to save it to one drive or whatever was sooo annoying. i wanted to make a comp. vid of my favorite clips just for my youtube page, nothing exciting LOL i fully realize no one else but me is interested in watching random jump force clips.. ＼(￣▽￣)／
okay... well here's just one. LOL
okaay...just one more for now >_> this is my faovrite clip of all time skgfdhlgfh;
much love to everyone. xoxo,
smol life update: this wednesday? i finished up all loose ends at my second job which i quit recently. i was dreading this monday when i was coming in physically to the studio but it was okay. i worked for a married couple (both artists) and spoke w/ one of them just about my mental health, and how im just not doing okay and need a mental health break and that it was nothing personal. she was pretty understanding even tho she was sad and my last day went better than i was expecting. ive been working for them for years, ever since i was 19! (im almost 27 now) so quitting was really hard. x_x i was sooo anxious at first when i told them i was quitting about three weeks ago, but i think i'm okay now. i feel a sense of relief, like i dont have to check my emails in fear, and it's just one less thing to worry about in my life. so im glad i did it....... i was just a mess. this year i want to get on a road to getting better, so im taking small steps. ive been neglecting a lot of things that i want to get back to x_X eep! last weekend i spent like a whole day re-organizing my shelf which i had been putting off for.....yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaars. its always emotionally overwhelming to like, go through my whole life in books, but im glad i did because now my shelf is much better organized and pleasing to look at and i got rid of a bunch of extra baggage.
i also haven't updated this website in a while, but i want to. can't garauntee when it will happen. i kind of dont want to make anything for a few days i just want to take a rest.
eating: tostones bean burger sliders
following up on my last entry, i think this year im going to get professional help and find a therapist. even though i quit my 2nd job im still anxious because duh, i put in my two weeks and now i actually have to see my bosses next week (bleh) and try not to have a conversation with them about my declining mental health (i just chocked it up to "health reasons"). i think it was just very hard for me to admit i had a problem and need treatment, because it was just easier to keep going and think "this will pass and get better eventually" but in reality i was crying all the time, super depressed and anxious, overworked and burnt out, having physical symptoms (never getting a full nights sleep EVER, started bleeding when not on my period, that kind of thing lol), drinking a lot more, always high, oh and started having some bad thoughts. not to mention i have like no social life (always working). not fun.
so anyways for valentine's day my boyfriend and i went to the city to pick up some magic the gathering cards (got my very own commander deck - green/black elf army babey~) and i got some sumikko gurashi blind boxes (hehe) and just had a nice weekend playing MTG and eating snacks. well it was just nice to get out of the house for something other than work.
ace went grocery shopping with penguin?, tapioca, and ebifurai no shippo
watching: contrapoints playing superliminal
i actually followed up and quit my side job. i spent days agonizing over my email and just sent it tonight. i haven't checked my emails for a response and i kind of don't want to. to try to get my mind off of it i played jump force for a few hours with my boyfriend, but im still sort of anxious. i think ill check my email while im at work so i can be distracted if i get a shitty answer (my thought process).
i continued working on these animations, and i wanted to revisit this animation idea i had a few years ago. i did it for school and always wanted to give it another go. the concept for this was a years-long idea morphed in to many different phases. it started out from a comic (about an ezcema patch on the hand turning into a sentient parasite, because i was dealing with pretty bad ezcema at the time lol), then failed attempt at a game (using rpg maker 3000!) (thought more about nostalgia, coming of age stories, my old neighborhood), then back into another comic (about devils and lesbians), now back at it in a game (full circle). ive been playing around with making games for a while i realized, lol.
maybe unrelated, but i think when i started doing more 3d art i got connected with more artists (on instagram) and have met some really cool people. it kinda like a nice and supportive micro-community. i think what im saying is ive been so appreciative of the positive feedback ive been getting. im so bad at getting back to people (crippling anxiety)
listening: jah sunshine / partiboi69
im going to quit my second job this year i swear lmfao this stress is not worth it and i don't really need it. UUUUGH well i wanted to share this animation im working on.. idk i just feel like making cool animations after playing so much jump force LMAO. i think i could make it into an intro scene for my game, thinking about the ones like in gitaroo man?
somehow i GOTTA incorporate this song, because im obbsessed with the cartoony gun sound effect lmaoo.
ok well, im going to try to get some work done for my second job and take a d8 gummy. byee
whats up! it snowed a lot this weekend and i stayed home on tuesday because of it. also my figures from amiami came yesterday! it shipped like almost overnight lol. plx excuse the quality, i took em in a rush
portgas d. ace
all my figures together!
im so sleepy. tata for now.
very rough ideas for UI designs in my game ->> the last image are a set of icons from the polish chat messenger gadu gadu (which i pinkified), which was sort of like aol or msn chat. i was too young and not polish enough to use it myself, but i remember seeing these icons when using my dad’s computer so it’s sort of nostalgic. since the icon is the sun, i thought it would be cute to re-purpose these icons for the weather display! next to a clock, which eventually i’ll turn this a proper weather/time of day display.
i also plan on adding a mini-map feature (which occupies the blank space on the lower left) and so far have added a signifier for your current followers (whoever is accompanying you will have their icon displayed on the upper left.) to be continued…
i just really like the cowprint ace hat, what can i say
late night update ~ i was working yesterday so today was my only day off :-/ i worked on my game all day. here's some wips!
listening: puzzle - foghorn
no update in a while. ive been sort of burnt out to be honest and a little bit miserable. ive been working on game projects and making things in blender. check out my game page for some updates ~
other than that, i've been playing a lot of jump force with my boyfriend and i even got the new hiei DLC. d:-9 also, we started watching one piece since my last diary entry (i think) and im maybe 180-ish episodes in.. so maybe thats why i have one piece on my mind when it comes to interior decor. i also just think it's funny to think about my character fangirling over ace (because i love ace).